Grief is a very vulnerable feeling.
Being emotional or sad used to be my private process, once a month usually (at that time of month) crying in the shower or in my mans arms. Now it has become a constant, everyday, unannounced, unpredictable thing. A full body consuming, full being consuming, life altering feeling.
I used to just cry once a month and then remain bursting with joy pretty much the rest of it. Sometimes I probably went a couple months without even crying because my general state was just so happy and hopeful. (Not suppressing it either, I just was generally quite happy more of the time.)
And not that I’m never happy now, I still have those moments of joy bursting through, less frequent but still there, as it’s my main soul frequency.
But this grief, which I am FULLY completely and totally allowing myself to be in as much as I need. It’s deeper than anything I’ve ever felt before. It is very vulnerable to me, to be so openly wounded. I feel like I’m going through my life walking around naked or something, actually that would probably be more comfortable for me than this, as I have had a deep self love for my body for longer than I have had a comfortable time processing and showing emotion lol .
It feels like my armour (being him and his masculine protection ) is ripped off of me and I’m thrown into the world and everything that used to be “normal” and it’s all not normal at all.
I feel Like a wounded animal at times. Even for me, handling this completely sober, with lots of supportive people, healing, being spiritually connected, counselling, studying grief.
And it’s still so destabilizing and completely identity destroying and life altering.
Not to mention the attacks I’ve gone through while I am grieving, which is a whole other thing added on top of it.
I’m not really trying to be inspirational but just real… which is hard for my constantly motivational identity to be! Grief is real. It’s raw. It’s life altering. It brings up wounds that are so deeply buried you thought you were completely passed them.
Before this, I was a totally compassionate and understanding person. But, I could have never understood how incredibly hard losing your partner is. I would have never though even me, could have so completely knocked off my center.
If you’re going through grief, or something so hard right now; just keep going. The only way out is through. Let the tears flow Be easy on yourself. When your emotional body is so raw and vulnerable you need to take extra care of your physical / emotional/ mental / spiritual selves.
Being so gentle, and around people who are caring, understanding as much as you can. It’s like you need to be rocked like a baby in the arms of your mother, (Or God) at this time. Until you’re ready to bloom again. I know I will get there some day.
So thankful for supportive people. So thankful for my soul. And thankful for the love that we shared, even though it is so painful to go through this, it is still better to have loved you